M-E-L-T-D-O-W-N
First-class, big-ass meltdown.
That’s how I began this week.
The meltdown was all around TRUST and the old stories I told myself about how I trusted my wasband (was + husband; brilliant, yes?) to show up for our family and he did not. Could not. Would not. How broken my heart was when trust was broken first.
I thought this story was to be blamed for my meltdown. I thought it was still his fault that I fear trusting other people.
I WAS WRONG.
When I got really, really quiet and really, really listened, my soul said to me:
“Anella, you’re afraid, NOT that you can’t trust others. Yes, humans may disappoint you. They may fail to meet your expectations. That’s not what you’re afraid of, my love. You’re afraid that YOU can’t TRUST yourself: that you won’t hold the boundaries that define who you truly are. In the face of another’s choices, you are afraid that you won’t trust yourself — to say, “no, this doesn’t work for me,” or to say, “I will not compromise my dreams,” or to say, “he is the master of his own journey and I will let him go on it alone.”
My friends, WE are always the problem and always the solution in as much as we allow ourselves to expect any other human to BE or DO or ACT or CARE or even LOVE us the way we think they should. This life is ONLY yours, and another’s life is ONLY theirs. The lack of TRUST I felt was with myself. When I continued to assign the trust issue to him, I completely gave away my power to be the single-most trusting person to myself.
Here’s the thing: when I finally trusted myself — took a bold step and left my marriage (which is not the only choice, but it was mine) — I regained my power. I trusted that I would be okay. I trusted that I would be able to usher in a new life. I trusted that, in order to be all of me, I needed to leave. That’s the story line that is equally TRUE and hold all the LIGHT. When I live in the truth of this equally-true story, I am living in the center of all that I am capable of being.
ONLY YOU CAN LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU EXPECT. ONLY YOU CAN BE THE GUARDIAN OF YOUR SOUL.
So do that. Today. Every damn day.
(I thought about taking a picture of me in MELTDOWN, but I couldn’t even hold a camera. My whole-body sobs were too severe. Too unsteady. This picture is from ONE DAY after I got to my truth: that I can trust myself if I’m willing to be courageous and follow my inner voice. The pic is right before I deliver a talk to an audience, on camera. I’m sharing it to show you what’s on the other side of your truth: STRENGTH.)
April 2018
"Breathe In Your Truth"
Talk at The Carnegie Center, Lexington, KY